I am a very private closed off person and I don’t like to reveal too much about myself. But I have been through a lot in the short life I have lived on this beautiful world we call home. So I have decided to share many things about myself here on my website.
I decided to do so because I have went through a radically wild change of the person I used to be. I was a bitter hateful person, my experiences in the world that I was apart of made me cruel. Until I found myself. which you can read more about here.
In sharing things about myself, my perspective on things,I hope that maybe it will be inspiring to one soul, one brother or sister out there in this beautiful world that is our home.
So I hope I can inspire someone with this following blog.
How I overcame My Life Long Battle With Depression and Suicide In Nature
Ever since I was in my early teens-say 12, 13 and on, I have lived depressed and it was only recently that I conquered my battle with depression and I know it lingers on residing somewhere dormant in my psyche along with the suicidal thoughts that have plagued my mind from the start. It becomes a thread in your fabric, a fragmented part of your puzzle.
My depression and my suicidal thoughts would intensify as I would go into adulthood. I was manic depressive. Everyday I lived and everyday I just wanted to die. Being stressed would intensify my feelings as stress is a trigger and I lived constantly over-stressed.
I thought to myself what the heck was the point of living. Why the point of my existence, is it to go on suffering.No one would miss me if I would just off myself right then and there.
I always saw myself as not fitting into conventional norms. I was always an outsider with very few friends. I was bullied in schools, my thought process was that no one liked me. But I never realized that it really didn’t matter if they did. The only thing that mattered was if I liked myself. The answer to that is that I hated myself.
I would see many therapist and psychologist from my teens on, all of whom wanted to prescribe me all these pills to help with my depression and suicidal thoughts. But I refused them all. I always thought that they were no good. Always thought that they will take one thing away, while giving you some other illness. I always thought that it would create a dependency and make things worse when you try to get off of them. So I decided to handle it on my own, with alcohol.
I hated who I was, so I would drink my nights away. Alcohol became my friend to cope with things.
I created a mask, layers upon layers of this mask. I became something that I wasn’t just to conform to the environment around me. Now I lived to impress others.
But that never impressed me. For I thought maybe if I become someone that I am not, maybe i can finally be happy. But no, no, no. See my depression was worst, I hated myself regardless. I would continue to drown in alcohol. Continue to drown in my own self-pity.
Everyday continued with suicidal thoughts. It was a normal part of my thought process, just like when you wake up and say I am going to go make a cup of coffee right now. That became normal for me to wake up and say I wish I was dead.
Now I never acted on my suicidal thoughts. But I would think of many ways to end myself. the alcohol numbed me down, I would go dancing to make myself happy and forget about it temporarily.
Now I was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY, all of my life. I was engulfed with concrete. There were no trees where I lived. Nature was a foreign concept to me. So winters would be very depressing for me in NYC.
But then I went to live Hawaii, but I lived on a cruised ship and did not have time to myself.
I then moved to Puerto Rico and in Puerto Rico is where I found myself in nature. I took the time to understand who I am. I stopped drinking alcohol, which you can read on why that was my best decision that I made in my life here and started spending my time in solitude with nature.
I started to grow my own food, dirt became my therapy. Nature was my therapist and my teacher and I started to realize life all around me. I started to notice myself.
Nurturing something else into life has really helped my wellbeing – gently caring for something helped me learn to care for myself.
Oh well looky here, looky here. Who is that under those layers. My own uniquely beautiful self. So I uncovered many of the layers and still work on removing the other layers I am not aware of. But I can now say I have not thought about taking my life once. I am no longer depressed nor no longer plagued with thoughts of suicide.
I did commit suicide, but not suicide of this vessel that is me, I killed the figment of who I was not supposed to be. slowly suffocating the ego. See I think we get it wrong, You are not supposed to die, your purpose is to go on living. Just have to find out what really makes you happy. Have to find that true self, your true nature.
I am wonderfully happy now and been on a path on self love. Healing the wounds that have inflicted me as I continue growing stronger.
Now I started finding my smile, going back to the depression as being a part of your being. I was always sad, so I forgot to smile. Now I am learning to smile again.
I know many of you, might not have access to nature or even the time to venture out. But you have to make time, you have to find a place.
I recommend to everyone to plant something as it will teach you many things about yourself.I also recommend to get indoor plants. Surround yourself with life. Talk to it if you have to. It might sound stupid, but it might also help.
The human spirit needs mother nature, we are not made to live with an abundant of stress. We need nature, we also need solitude. We must take the time to enjoy and get to know the self. I think we lost connection with nature and in losing that connection, we also have lost connection with ourselves. For we are nature.
I realized how beautiful life truly is and what a wonderful gift it is to be alive. Yes we all suffer, we go through hell. But sometimes you have to go through hell to reach heaven. Through the scars of life they should make us stronger. We should learn from those scars and grow. Don’t let them weaken you. Stay strong, smile, laugh, cry. but always be grateful for being alive.
I have always had strong willpower and I know it is not as easy to many, but you are strong. We can’t allow our minds to dictate our actions, we must be the pilots of our minds and take control of the vessel that we are. Know your true power and that takes knowing your true self.
Be happy with who you truly are. I look myself in the mirror everyday and love the person I see, where before I just wanted to break that mirror.
I said before that no one will miss me if I did suicide. Well if I did, I would not have gone to inspire people with the work that I do with the environment, I would not inspire people with the way that I see this world. I would not have inspired people with the words I write or with people I speak to.
I have touched people in ways I never thought I would. The world made me a horrible being in the way I treated others and to change my mindset to the way I think now, is a very beautiful thing and if I could change. Anyone can change.
I don’t know where my path is taking me, but I want to continue to grow further on my path and if i can continue to inspire others, If i can make a positive contribution to the world instead of the negatives ones I left behind. If I can live with my own purpose-the purpose that I have found. Then I am grateful for being alive.
Find your purpose, find your path. the journey is a long one, but what a journey it is. Be alive to see where your path goes. But work on the detours, our faults, along the way.
It is too easy just to give up. So please take the time to know who you are. take time in nature to rediscover yourself. find your inner beauty, your inner peace.
One day you will help someone along your path that needed you the most on that day. Your existence means something. Give it the meaning that it deserves.
Be strong, stay strong my brothers and sister. Lets the waves pass over you and try not to feed it more negativity. Focus on the positivity and that is why I recommend solitude in nature.
Now this is my story, we are all responsible for writing our own story. So make it a beautiful story and continue looking forward to the next chapters because your book does not end midway, it continues, so look forward in creating happier endings. Because if you end it with suicide then your story would be incomplete.
my recommendations might not work for everyone, so please seek help if you need it. It is OK to ask for help. I make myself available to anyone who would like to talk. You are not alone and when I am in nature in solitude, I am never alone. I have the trees surrounding me, the birds singing, the wind ruffling through the leaves. The creatures around me. The sun, the moon. How can anyone be alone. Change your perspective, change your mind!
Hope you found this inspiring or made you think more.